yyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i dun know where i stand in u anymore........ u wake up early for ur friends..... but make me wait for hrs..... u r willing to do things more things with ur friends...... cos u are getting bored doing things with me..... y am i saying these..... bet if u read all these...... u will say u r not suitable for me and might as well say good bye.... but dun worry........ soon....soon....

Sudden posting...

wow its been ages tt i have been writing here.... well guess there wont be anyone reading this anymore..... which maybe is good since no point reading it. my life is full of shit.... no discipline.... just regret.... i really dun know wat i want........ can nvr concentrate.... maybe this is just destroying me.... wat is love.... wat is sex.... wat is friends.... wat is being together...... y am i always troubled by these........ am i nuts? am i despo? am i just a crazy freak?..... i dun know........ i just feel totally useless...... when tgt i cant stop fantasizing...... until i break the taboo...... i am just a useless peice of shit...... i dun know wat to say....... no energy to say..... maybe i really shd just die...... y am i living till so long.........LET ME DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Concerned friend...........

haha..........well........my friend read my blog and wrote a super long mail to me...........TOUCHED........but haha.......well.........i knew all these in a way or 2...........this is not my first time anyway...........but this time is really the most deep one..........but then suan le.............just wanna put the mail here for memories ba.........

hey sky, i juz read your blog again. sorry about it,if u tell me to stop
reading i will. but i'm just concerned, since you seem okay in school and it
turns out you are facing so much. well..do take care of yourself, even if
doing so means taking time off helping her and maybe neglecting your own
work a bit. because only if you take care of yourself then u can take care
your own work and of others well. face it, it's a fact. why force your
brain to continue thinking when it cannot think anymore and needs rest?

and btw...SLEEP!! i know u wanna die defending the gal you love like
sorata,but dude, to die because of lack of sleep is just so uncool!

guess im concerned cuz i was like you once..since i couldnt find any meaning
in my life i juz hecked it, juz trying to do dangerous things n see how far
i can push it. took a lot of lessons to make me value life and enjoy it, and
now i know my life is worth living though i dont have anyone special n im
not sure if i'll find one..haha..

you're not afraid of dying, but please dont get tired of living... your life
is much more valuable than you think.

hang in there, k. hope this can encourage you cuz i dont wanna see my studio
mate so burdened. n btw...about crying...i think you've been crying all
along...people don't just cry with tears, u know. they cry with words too.
if it makes you feel better, go ahead. everyone (even manly contractor
types!) need a good cry sometimes -tears or no tears.

When you think of your past love, you may
view it as a failure. But when you find a new
love, you view the past as a teacher. In the
game of love, it doesn't really matter who won
or who lost. What is important is you know
when to hold on and when to let go! You
know you really love someone when you want
him or her to be happy, even if their
happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.

If the person you love doesn't love you back,
don't be afraid to love someone else again,
for you'll never know unless you give it a try.
You'll never love a person you love unless
you risk for love. Love strives in hurting. If you
don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.

Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the
hurting is still there to test you, it is to help
you grow. Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love because
you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.
You cannot finish a book without closing its
chapters. If you want to go on, then you have
to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or
won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture
in which we are always learning, discovering
and growing. The greatest irony of love is
letting go when you need to hold on and
holding on when you need to let go. We lose
someone we love only when we are destined
to find someone else who can love us even
more than we can love ourselves. On falling
out of love, take some time to heal and then
get back on the horse. But don't ever make
the same mistake of riding the same one that
threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk
dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must
be taken because the greatest hazard in life
is to risk nothing! To reach for another is to
risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to
expose true self; to love is to risk not to be
loved in return. How to define love: fall but do
not stumble, be constant but not too
persistent, share and never be unfair,
understand and try not to demand, hurt but
never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it
can carve wonderful images into the soul that
always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to
be the most wonderful feeling. It should
inspire you and give you joy and strength. But
sometimes the things that give you joy can
also hurt you in the end. Loving people
means giving them the freedom of who they
choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears, for
gloomy days and fruitless years, you should
give thanks, for you know, that there were the
things that helped you grow.

Loving someone means giving her the
freedom to find his way, whether it leads
towards you or away from you. Love is a
painful risk to take but the risk must be taken
no matter how scary or painful, for only then
you'll experience the fullness of humanity and
that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with
desire and tear you apart. Only love can make
you cry and only love knows why. There is a time in our
lives when we become afraid to fall in love
because every time we do, we get hurt, and
then I figured that's why it's called falling in
love.

p.s sorry for sticking my nose into your life...just get well soon k.

haha.........very long right...........i think i dun wanna die also will die reading so long...........ahah......okok.......no offense to my friend.........really appreciate she wrote this to me....of course i dun mind u reading......just dun go spreading ard can le.........well...........i will still be myself ba............although my heart alr dead anyway..........maybe there might be a time when i will see some light in life...............but............maybe i will leave this world be4 tt..............y i say tt??............maybe some physical symtoms is telling me tt ba............hahha............well..........maybe my time is really going to be up maybe not,....is there really ppl who die of sorrow and loneliness......maybe i will be first or one of them...........i dun have anything in this world tt i miss anyway..........maybe my family and memories and friends.............haha...........all i can do now is design and design till my time is up isnt it?...................die a sad man...........haha............cool sorrow story isnt it??............just not dramatic ba.........i dun really like dramatic anyway.............always wanted a simple simple normal life......or rather love life...........but since i am fated not to get it...............let just be it..................i just have to face the fact...............demoralised till die mentally then die physically??...........haha............who know...........nvr heard of it............try it also can prove sth be4 i go right?/............hahaha

eeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmooooooooooo nick.........

Sky: 什么叫做幸福？什么叫做真爱？死了都要爱?一种爱叫做放手？难道爱一个人有错吗？我们说好的，从开始到现在。。。但那该死的温柔让我又想起你。难到有不能说的秘密？难到爱上你是一个错？但我只对你有感觉 。。。那么爱你需要一万个理由吗？我现在的心有如黄昏。。。

just one nick i created during this super down period...........like in hell ...............totally can really feel like jumping or dying............done with diff song titles.............and every song is really wat reflect my feeling........diff part for diff songs........haiz............. maybe next time i got time then list them ba............if not.........try guess them.........all the songs are emo but nice.........

on the verge of breaking down.....physically and mentally.......

hmmm............thx for all those who read my blog........didnt expect anyone to read it.........and its like just crazy stuff inside.........just venting out the confusion.....the pain.....the tireness in me.......thought things will improve........but no.......i dun know who u are but one of u tell me to just give up and find another..........if it is tt easy......i would have done and i doubt tt is call love..........yet another said waiting is good...........how good is good............right now i am still like helping her with all my might.........sometimes i am sooooooo tired i really wanna give up.......but she needs help..........and i am the only one who knows her well enough.........her design....her works.......u think its good???........thinnnk again......she only acknoledge my help as a senior........when i met her in sch...........she was like avoiding me.......yet when toking online and sms..........she seems so cheerful to me...........its so complicated..........dun know y.........bcos she dun want her friends to see me with her?............or wat?...........i once really hacked care cos i really tired........and stop smsing or online ..........but she asked me for help.........i cant stop tt............i cant avoid tt...........how can i just dun help anyone?............i helped her soooooooo much...........i alr lost sleep for my own design then seeing her keep dozing off..........i stayed up to help her and make her stay awake as well............now i have like 2 week no ample sleep............keep having headache.............btu then............it is like became a habit...........i wanna sleep also cant.........only keep dozing off in lesson or class...........i can see high potential in her...........everytime i helped her ........she become much better...........if i dun care abt her..........her standard drop immediately............i dun want to see tt...........i hate to see ppl that i helping to quit.............somemore is her.........haiz...........then the more she become better..........i can forsee sooner or later...........i will be useless to her.............like..........i am really just a senior to her??????...........i dun know..........maybe love is really selfish or selfless.........u just the other party to be happy......well...........i am really mentally going to break down...........am i really tt desperate?..........i wanted to be a loner.........to be myself...........but tt loneliness is not someone who can handle easily..............i only want ONE to be by my side............wat so hard abt tt??????????.............haiz............and helping her so much.....i really breaking down physically..........maybe its a good thing.............maybe after helping her........my destiny is fulfilled and i can leave this god damn world.............i think i am selfish too..........i am like helping for the sake of her accepting me...........arrrrrrrrrr.............. i hate myself...............i hate to be alive..............i think i will just help her and do my stuff and just continue to deteriorate..................till i am gone............wonder how long will tt be.............i shall be mean.......evil or just bad..........so no one will cry..........seeing ppl cry is painful..........so i am always appearing to be happyl................y want to affect ur saddness to ppl when one ppl sad is more than enough??

another song again......which make me feel a lot like me..................yah i know it might be the same to many ppl too but.........i am me.........this is just wat i feel sooooo much now..............haiz..............



如果这是最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯

如果重缝也无法继续
失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真

难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能

难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人

如果再见是为了再分
失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生

难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能

难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人

拿什么作证
从未想过爱一个人
需要那么残忍才证明爱得深

Haiz.......Y everything must be so complicated???!!!

well.........tok to marc abt wat happen...........then he told me tons of reasons and way to make things right?............but.......y must do so much things?????............y so complicated??..............i watch 'Secret' by jay chou.........(Bu nen shuo de mi mi) very very nice.........its so simple and beautiful at first............think every story have its sad moment.............haiz.............will mine be over soon?............or its going to be forever????????.............haiz..................suan le ba............

then i come upon this songs...........really speak of wat i feeling..................



在一个落叶风零的秋天
遇到我一生中最爱的人
从此以后她的样子把我整颗心灌醉
让我爱的那么汹涌那么真
多么希望她能给我一点真爱
多么希望她会过的快乐
多么希望我能给她一点点感动
可是老天却把感情捉弄
究竟我是怎么了怎么了
难道爱一个人真的有错吗
虽然爱一个人很苦
可我还渴望一点爱
我怎么了哭了吗
竟然爱她爱到那么施舍
痛的最后哭了以后也快乐
多么希望她能给我一点真爱
多么希望她会过的快乐
多么希望我能给她一点点感动
可是老天却把感情捉弄
究竟我是怎么了怎么了
难道爱一个人真的有错吗
虽然爱一个人很苦
可我还渴望一点爱
我怎么了哭了吗
竟然爱她爱到那么施舍
痛的最后哭了以后也快乐
我不想爱她
却是更加思念她
欠我的怀抱何时能还吗
欠我的怀抱何时能还吗
究竟我是怎么了怎么了
难道爱一个人真的有罪吗
或多或少给点安慰
哪怕慈悲的怀抱
算了吧忘了吧
陷的越深越无法自拔
宁愿自己守着伤悲
也快乐

Omen do exist.......a bit relieve........but still sad........haizzzzzzzz

well................extremely down.........esp these few days..............cant work properly...............think this time i really went too deep...........now i really dun dare to go into any r/s................this kind of pain.............i dun think i can take it anymore.........haha.......and worse.........i got 3hit combo..........this plywood construction...........i was the rep for it.........dun know if i did a good job...........i think i did terribly.........end up the grp members having conflict...........arrrrrrrrrrrrr..............i feellllllllllllllllllllll daaaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn low............like worse than hell...........i think hell is a much better place.............where u just die and tt is it...............cos tt are physical pain...........i am totally tormented by this mental pain............to the heart..............to the spirit and soul....................

well............at least............today..........just now...........i went to tuition................and the student i teaching.........intro this song to me............haha..........i nearly lose the mood of teaching after hearing it............like............somehow..............this song appears to tell me sth...............well.................to let go is also love...........try it...........



如果两个人的天堂
象是温馨的墙
囚禁你的梦想
幸福是否象是一扇铁窗
候鸟失去了南方
如果你对天空向往
渴望一双翅膀
放手让你飞翔
你的羽翼不该伴随玫瑰
听从凋谢的时光
浪漫如果变成了牵绊
我愿为你选择回到孤单
缠绵如果变成了锁链
抛开诺言
有一种爱叫做放手
为爱放弃天长地久
我们相守若让你付出所有
让真爱带我走
为爱结束天长地久
我的离去若让你拥有所有
让真爱带我走说分手

为了你失去你
狠心扮演伤害你
为了你离开你
永远不分的离去
!

tt is y i believe in fate...............everything happens ard you for a reason............every ppl u meet is there for a reason.............just observe and u will understand.................even a stranger can mean sth.............maybe this worse then hell event is telling me sth.............i dun know............just tt at least i know i may be doign the right thing.............she feel so stress with all the ppl toking abt her...........i just step back..............give her back her freedom..............let her be who she is............to work better in this course............this is wat i think this song is tellign me to do.................maybe i am too forceful................so i just have to step back...............and let it go..........haizzzzzz...............well...............i just have to wait and see how things goes ba............

Disappoinment........and more depression......feel so cursed!!!!

here i am again to vent out my feeling and everything.......sorry tt my blog is only abt sorrow........cos i use this as my ground to vent my feeling..........i doubt many would read it anyway.........maybe if real happiness find me.........then my blog will change........but i really doubt so.........really really doubt so. Well......i dun know who this anonomous person is but well i just read ur comment......thx for the encouragement.......i did confess to her......due to some reason..........cos she said i am helping her too much and she feel bad. TT is y i just tell her my feeling. But as expected........i know nothing good will happen.......she told me she still does not wanna commit.........due some reason.........her ex.........herself......everything.........well...........i sort of used to tt........but no matter wat.........the pain is still there...........the real happiness is not there anymore.........its just tt few weeks which i truely felt it............maybe tt is the most i can get..........shd i be happy or wat? i dun know...........cos now.........all i am doing is just continuing to help her..........since this course is super tough and everyone needs help.........i just hope i am the person behind her.......the person she will think of when she need help.........the one tt she will want to be with........haiz..........but she keep her distance..........her stand........everything...........arrrrrrrrrrr..............tell me not to wait........just be friends.........no point..........well...........i dun know..........shd i still continue.........or give up........continue.....just more sad...........giving up........find no purpose in life........y am i here........i still dun know the ans.........just being the one getting all the saddness so others will be happy?..........i read abt jesus............does he also do tt?.........if it is........i salute him........cos i dun think i can last anylonger............i am a human.........not someone great...........i really really.........confused........lost track of my direction........everything...........the only thing which is pushing me.........is the need to help her...........for wat purpose.........i dun know.......maybe there is no reason........maybe there is.........is it selfish to want sth back when u are helping someone?............i dun know am i seeking for sth...........is love a thing?............its a spiritual thing.......i dun know............totally confused..........and then..........is love just abt 2 ppl??? or abt all the ppl ard them too............like.......everyone is looking at you and the 2 ppl is so affected by the surrounding..........i dun..........i am just a simple person........i dun know........i dun really care abt rumours and anything..... is it bcos of this tt affecting her?......maybe i am silly........stupid..........all i know is tt i want to give everything to her..........i dun know if i am askign sth back..........cos i am sad now not bcos she rejected me.........but rejected my help........rejected my friendliness.........am i going overboard?...........shd i step back?..............y the more i want it to be simple........the more complicated it gets?????...........y? wat did i do?............can someone explain to me?............she keep saying abt how others think........how others tell her tt my help is wrong........is too much............y?........i dun know..........i did not help tt much.........not to the extend tt she is not learning............she is naturally good.........and i dare say she is better than me...........its not me...........others are so affected by me beside her tt they think she is good bcos of me............when i am the lousy one...........my design grade is not tt high lar............i am among the average in the cohort only!!!........... shd i disappear in this world...............is my existence really causing so much trouble?..............sometime i really wish the real cancer will find me who is a cancerian..............but since i found her............there is something in me which stops me from self destructing.............i really dun mind her telling me tt she dun really want to commit..........this is her freedom.........i can wait..........since i alr waited for so long.......as long as i am beside her helping her..........but..........she is pushing me further further away.............yet she needs tt help........y can ppl just take things naturally..........yes i like her so i am helping her......but tt is only a small reason....but i know my limit........she state clearly her stand and i stated clearly of my hope.............but isnt it normal?........we have our own thinking.........y must ppl judge from our action.........can friends be close?.........boy and gal cannot be together as friends meh?..........i know i desire more..........but i totally respect her mind and decision.........if she find the someone she desire for..........then i wish her all the best and my blessing.........the most is just being sad and depress for tt few days..........but y just this normal stage also so difficult?????????...........y must this world be so complicated...........must i turn evil then everyone will be normal........its like the world is testing my limit and wanting me to be the evil one by making this world super ugly to me..........i always believe the world is balance.......there must be bad guys.....bad ppl.........if not how u know good is good?..........but am i destined to be the evil one to bring glory for the good?...........there is also something inside me which is like forcing his way out of me to be super evil.............but i still want to believe the world is beautiful............the world is happy and full of hope.........yet...........this belief is diminishing..........its too painful for me............i am really really on the verge of breaking down............i dun know how much longer i can stand strong...............i am really really tired...................................